


Scars and Secrets

by in_way_too_deep



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Ronan Lynch, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 10:04:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15992954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_way_too_deep/pseuds/in_way_too_deep
Summary: Ronan's self-conscious about his scars for many reasons, Adam helps.





	Scars and Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "I think you're beautiful"

Ronan could say that he only hid his scars because he wanted to avoid awkward interactions and stilted explanations, but he tried not to make a habit of lying to himself. And, in general, scars didn’t bother Ronan in the slightest. He actually had a scattering of other scars covering his body, remnants of reckless nights, that he didn’t mind at all. He made no attempt to hide them and, a less vocal part of him, considered them badass.

The scars he got from doing crazy shit, nights where he overestimated his invincibility, _were_ badass. They told stories Ronan wouldn’t mind sharing. The other scars, however, the ones on his arm, were not anything meant for sharing.

Those scars spoke of weakness, fear, and vulnerability, deeper than the terror the night horrors instilled. What he really hated though, was that when people made assumptions about his scars they were, generally speaking, correct. They inevitably came to the conclusion that Ronan had tried to kill himself and Ronan couldn’t say they were wrong without lying. Hence, the hiding of the scars.

When Gansey had asked, Ronan had blamed the night horrors and, while it wasn’t a lie, it disguised the truth. Gansey was all too ready to believe that something other, something foreign, had attacked his friend. The Gansey’s of the world weren’t made to understand that many of the largest wars of the universe were fought within individuals, within friends.

Gansey was a contradictory miasma of anxiety and optimism, a strange mixture of wisdom and naiveté, that was never meant to see the darker side of the world.

The shadow land of night terrors and invisible enemies was meant for the Ronan Lynches and Joseph Kavinskys of the world. Gansey didn’t belong there and Ronan wouldn’t bring him there. Instead, he hid the truth.

He provided the truth of the night terrors to distract Gansey from the fact that, in the end, the night terrors were a product of Ronan’s mind. Ronan simply exchanged the darker truth for a more Gansey-palatable truth; it wasn’t really a lie.

It the end it was fairly easy to provide Gansey with an alternate version of the truth. After all, Gansey didn’t know the full workings of Ronan’s dreams (even Ronan wasn’t sure 100% of the time) so he couldn’t understand.

Gansey’s may not have stopped to ask why Kavinsky was killed by his dream creature while Ronan wasn’t, but Ronan couldn’t blame him. There was no way Gansey could have known that Ronan only gained control of the dream monster when he stopped hating himself; Gansey refused to believe had truly Ronan hated himself.

Because, in the end, Gansey wanted to believe that Ronan lived because he was good and Kavinsky died because he was bad. He wouldn’t want to conclude that Kavinsky died because he hated himself because that made everything much more complicated. It would ruin his, painstakingly crafted, vision of the world as consisting of easily divisible good and evil.

Ronan understood this and didn’t begrudge Gansey for not realizing that the night horrors only tried to kill Ronan because he, himself, thought he deserved it. He didn’t blame Gansey for not knowing, but the obvious relief Gansey felt from believing that Ronan never tried to kill himself had affected Ronan.

It meant that now Ronan was stuck with a half truth. He could never tell Gansey the entire truth. There was no way Ronan could explain to Gansey that he hadn’t been sold on life. And that, the fact that Gansey now believed something less true than before because of Ronan, made Ronan feel like a liar. So now, when Ronan looked at the scars he was reminded of that feeling. Because, regardless of how he justified it, he knew he wasn’t being completely honest.

His scars weren’t just a reminder of his lies and sins; sometimes they reminded Ronan of the place he was a year ago. So far he hadn’t been able to pinpoint what caused the vacations to that mind space. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to them. Sometimes he just woke up and wondered why he had so much more than he deserved. He would then spend his day struggling with the thought that the people he loved would have been better off if he had died that night.

Reminding himself of all the positive things in his life helped ward off the poisonous thoughts for a bit, but never for long. Eventually the thoughts would return with a vengeance and Ronan would feel worse than before. It was one of those days and Ronan was lying down, with his headphones haphazardly thrown on, picking at his leather armbands.

When that got boring he removed them completely and stared at the scars. They didn’t help bring him clarity or any relief, but he hadn’t expected any. Looking at them was sort of like picking at a scab; he knew it would only make things worse, but he couldn’t help himself.

Ronan had never been the king of impulse control and the only thing that made this, otherwise routine, habit notable was the location. Lounging in Adam’s bed, Ronan recognized that his self-pity sullied the atmosphere, but he didn’t stop. There was no one to stop him. Adam was at work and Ronan was left lying on his bed, waiting for him to return, alone with nothing to do but think. The fact that Adam was gone made Ronan’s thoughts worse but it was still probably best that Adam wasn’t there to play witness to Ronan’s dark mood.

Just as Ronan was appreciating the opportunity his solitude afforded him, Adam walked into the apartment. Ronan, still glaring at his scars, didn’t notice Adam’s arrival. And similarly, Adam didn’t notice Ronan’s preoccupation. Eventually though, when Ronan didn’t acknowledge Adam’s presence, Adam realized Ronan was focusing intently on something. Upon further examination, it became obvious that Ronan was obsessing over his scars.

Even though Adam and Ronan had been dating for a while, Adam had never gotten a good look at them. Ronan wore his bracelets constantly and Adam knew better than to question it.

Adam may not have been there when Ronan had nearly died from the night horrors, but he’d heard the story. And maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t been there made it easier for him to see the truth. Adam, unlike Gansey, knew that when Ronan said that he hadn’t tried to kill himself that he wasn’t being completely forthright.  

Originally the thought of Ronan’s attempted suicide had upset Adam for admittedly selfish reasons. Before he’d known Ronan, Adam had only seen a spoiled rich kid, throwing away an opportunity Adam would have died for.

Looking back on those thoughts now, knowing Ronan more completely, made Adam feel sick with self-loathing. Those thoughts hadn’t been charitable even then but now they were downright disgusting. Adam knew that but he had never had the courage to broach the subject.

Ronan’s surprising show of vulnerability gave Adam the opening he needed to try and bridge that gap. Adam coughed to let Ronan know that he had an audience. Ronan jumped slightly from the shock and then quickly moved to cover his scars. Looking up from Ronan’s scars to his face, Adam spoke quietly. “I think you’re beautiful.”

Ronan rose his eyebrows in silent judgement before speaking in a playfully mocking tone. “Well gee, I think you’re pretty swell too Adam.”

Adam rolled his eyes good naturedly but persisted. “Why do you cover your scars?”

Making room for Adam on the bed Ronan scooted over before looking down at his feet. “Don’t know man. Why do you care?”

Adam sat down close to Ronan, shoulders brushing. “I always care.”

When Ronan remained silent, Adam continued. “I meant it you know.”

Ronan looked up at Adam, questioning.

Adam interpreted Ronan’s glance and elaborated. “I know it wasn’t the night horrors Ronan.”

When Ronan looked ready to protest Adam held out his palm to stop him. “I mean, of course it was, but the night horrors came from your head.”

Ronan played with his bracelets, unintentionally letting Adam know that he was on the right track.

“So, when I said you’re beautiful I wasn’t just talking about your looks.”

At this Ronan looked at Adam, a look of vulnerable surprise painted across his face. Adam, in turn, took Ronan’s hand in his and spoke with no hesitation. “Out of everything in your dreams you choose to bring out the light things: baby birds and brothers. I love that about you Ronan” He spoke the next part in a whisper, the words falling off his lips heedless of Adam’s trepidation. “I love _you_ Ronan.”

They looked at each other then and saw matching expressions of shock. It was hard to tell who was more surprised by the confession.

Ronan, however, recovered first. He saw the seeds of panic creeping into Adam’s eyes and wanted to keep Adam from coming to his own, incorrect, conclusion. He spoke quickly, basically hurling the words at Adam to prevent him from leaving. “I love you too.”

The smile that broke across Adam’s face pushed the clouds from Ronan’s mind, at least temporarily. It was then and there, in a shabby attic with the boy he loved, that Ronan decided that he could be happy. He knew that, since Adam’s happiness made him happy, he would spend the rest of his life striving for constant happiness.

The mere thought that happiness was finally within arm’s reach filled Ronan with a sort of novel giddiness. He couldn’t help but match Adam’s smile. Ronan Lynch was smiling uncontrollably; he felt ridiculous, he felt loved, he felt _happy_.

He blamed Adam for all of it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for participating in this madness


End file.
